"Mouser of Justice" Proves Mettle
For decades, two of the most volatile topics in America have been abortion and, more recently, gambling.
When the Universal House of Justice was asked to enlighten individuals on these topics, the answers went something like this:
Abortion. Shoghi Effendi, who we are all to obey on threat of excommunication, said that abortion was murder. However, you can do whatever you like.
Gambling: Yes, Baha'u'llah prohibited gambling. But what is gambling? Who can say? The House of Justice must leave this to the future.
MrDonut is astonished! The Universal House of Justice is purported to be the institution that will guide the world to peace! It is rumored among the Chosen that some day, when the world is about to blow up, all the leaders of the world will mount the long and lofty steps to the seat of the Universal House of Justice and say, fearfully and humbly: "Tell us what to do!"
MrDonut finds that heavy stuff. MrDonut cannot imagine even America's hero, Barak Obama, climbing the two kazillion stairs up the side of M. Carmel to get directions from nine old rich men!
With the money they threw into the holes on Mt. Carmel they could have bought enough air time to do what Baha'u'llah told them to, which was teach His Faith by speaking His Word. All the world could have heard it. If Baha'is really believe that the Word of God changes hearts, why do they spend so much money printing books of Mr. Bigbrain's commentary on God, or plant another flower that most people in the world will never see. And enjoy a cool evening breeze up the hill from Haifa, which most people in the world do not even know exists.
Who will be the first world leaders to ascend Justice's stairway? We predict it will be Britany Spears, Janet Jackson, Puff Diddy, Vince MacMahon, Dr. Phil, and that week's American Idol.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
SUPREME BAHA'I INSTITUTION DENIES MOUSING
RELIGION DAY - WHO CARES?
Yesterday the radio carried some of President Bush's speech commemorating Freedom of Religion Day.
We did not see anything in the news indicating that Baha'is shared in the commemoration of this day. We were disappointed!
We know they have created a "World Religion Day," but something called "World Religion Day" gives no mention that anyone has a right to practice any of them. The "World Religion Day" was created, like Kwanza. It is not in the Bab's original calendar adopted by the Baha'i religion.
Last but not least, we are privileged to know that Baha'is all over the world are reading "Baha'i Fantasy News Service" as avidly as we ourselves follow the Weekly World News. We hope that as they are amused and entertained, they may also find for themselves a nugget of something that used to be easily recognized as Truth.
We think it would be nice if next year around this time the Baha'is remember to appreciate the country which gives them the right to be Baha'is, and join with other Americans in a sober celebration of Freedom of Religion day.
Monday, January 14, 2008
RACE WARS
Baha'is have always had a bent for making hothouse roses out of their nonwhite minorities. The process is so relentless and intense a passer-by might conclude that the Faith was founded by Abraham Lincoln. To a minority member the Baha'i Faith appears as a fast track to high society and the price is no secret: obey the administrator sitting over you, and withold any knowledge of pre-existence prior to enrollment (unless you were buds with another "Prime Enrolee"). The further the minority can advance depends on how much of his life he is willing to throw out. Now there is nothing new about this procedure; it is active in any social organization. But this social organization claims to be a religious one, and the one we are most familiar with. "Write about what you know," said the teacher.
Today the Baha'i administration is grooming a young Black fellow, initialed PC, for institutional stardom. They have given him a website and things to say on it. Another blogger, whose race is unknown and immaterial, has a similar site, "Baha'i Views." BV dispenses Baha'i propaganda at an astounding rate for an individual, but we believe there are several if not many contributors waiting close by in the wings, to hand its editor a new post most every day. Our blog, Baha'i Fantasy News Service, has several contributors, but they are all the same person.
PC's blog is titled "Baha'i Thought and Black America." We expected to see the two combined and saw only the left side of the blog unearthing the usual Black things and the narrow right column plugging Baha'i things. The usual disclaimer was posted, and it would seem that Mr.C's masters in Wilmette have decreed that Baha'i bloggers put it there or risk being shredded by BCCA. Baha'i administration shows less and less trust for the Baha'i and confidence in his ability and willingness to carry the Faith forward. There must be always disclaimers. "I'm not g_ddam authorized!" screams the blogger - as if we really couldn't tell. Anyway.
The post we saw was about the trial of a black man's alleged injustice to a white woman. We could not find anything there about Baha'i thought, other than the whole thing was a mess and should never have happened, but that is history and we know that only the Central Figures and their descendants and institutions changed history.
We wanted very much to see in Mr.C's blog a new path, a fresh thought for Making Things Different Today. Perhaps Mr.C. is young and has yet to realize that dredging up the past can keep one afloat for only so long. Then one sinks. We see no point in Mr.C. re-arousing the anger and fear of the past when he has nothing to put out the fire with. The School of Dredging serves sophomoric exercises in ethics and morality. There is something else that actually does the work. We think it is called marriage. Merely telling people the Baha'i Faith Works makes them look around and see that it really doesn't.
The true war in America is not between the races but between the classes. Blacks of Mr. C's socioeconomic class will latch on to the Baha'i Faith because they are socioeconomically like him. The Blacks who aren't, well, won't God take care of them while the qualified Negroes* rise to the top where the decisions are made and the instructions come from, well, God? And if spirituality is infinitely more powerful and desirable than material reality, then where are the spiritual African-American souls in the Baha'i Administration? There should be tens of thousands of Blacks there! But there aren't! And the only reason is: the organization prizes materiality over spirituality. Greatly.
What future awaits this man? Will he advance straight to the Auxiliary Board, or go to work soon at the world center? He is surely too valuable to elect to the National Spiritual Assembly, which already has two Negroes. We have to wonder why the Powers that Be do not draw from the vast well of African-Americans in South Carolina, which once was the greatest (and perhaps only) sizable population of Black Baha'is in the U.S., to input this particular Baha'i website, or create another one, less scholarly, perhaps, where the Baha'i Faith could showcase the changed lives of its dusky** lower- and middle-class members. The question stares at us: is "BTBA" about race, or about class? Is it about swelling the ranks of the American Baha'is with African-American believers, or is it about bringing Mr.C out to show America that there really are Black Baha'is who aren't in jail? What Mr.C must consider is that America needs to be shown why there are so many White Baha'is who are not in jail. Now that answer is in the Baha'i Faith. It is a tough job for one man but maybe Mr.C. can do it. It is right in front of his face.
*Shoghi Effendi used the term "Negro." We think it is dignified and American and we will use it too.
**We have always loved the term "dusky," and being White Yankee and never seeing a Negro until we were thirty-eight, we had no reason to think it was derrogatory. We shall continue to love it, and hope that the culture embraces it as a term of aesthetic appreciation. We do feel that Negroes are not really that "dusky," anyway, and the beautiful people of the Indian subcontinent are more true to the term. To be described for a most lovely time of day! What a blessing.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
FOUND WITH FEATHERS IN MOUTH
Power corrupts.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Shoghi Effendi: quotes and paraphrases from the document attesting to his absolute authority as "Guardian of the Baha'i Faith"
He is "under the shelter and unerring guidance of The Exalted One (Baha'u'llah)"
"Beware lest anyone falsely interpret these words, and like unto them that have broken the Covenant after the Day of Ascension (of Bahá'u'lláh) advance a pretext, raise the standard of revolt, wax stubborn and open wide the door of false interpretation. To none is given the right to put forth his own opinion or express his particular conviction. All must seek guidance and turn unto the Center of the Cause and the House of Justice. And he that turneth unto whatsoever else is indeed in grievous error." --from the alleged "Will and Testament of 'Abdu'l-Baha."
Sunday, January 6, 2008
THE RELIGION OF RULERSHIP
Leaving propaganda aside, we are confident in stating that Baha'is are taught to lavish unearned respect and ungodly devotion upon members of their administration. These administrators, desperate to maintain their stranglehold over the minds of their followers, stand ready to violate every rule of God and man to defend their positions. If a believer so much as asks a question about anything in the religion, and administration finds out, he is in short order shunned. No religion we know of is so quick to condemn its people or to defile their names throughout the religious community as the Baha'i Faith.
Steven Hassan recently published a book saying the Baha'i Faith isn't a cult. Well, we may be wrong, but...isn't Mr.Hassan a Baha'i? Years ago a Baha'i psychiatrist was for awhile a prominent "deprogrammer" of youths caught up in cults, but not his own, we are sure. To be fair to Mr.Hassan, we know that one sign of a cult is that its followers worship a living man. Baha'is worship Baha'u'llah, who passed away in the 1800s, don't they? In theory yes, in practice no. The element of worship begins with fear of the worshipped one, and Baha'is have more reason to fear their administrators than they do God Himself.
Consider: the Baha'i Fund insists that all contributions are confidential. Name anything that is kept confidential today! The Baha'i Fund uses every tactic to encourage believers to give and give and give, and give more than is reasonable, and promise great returns for sincere giving. Of course, if nothing shows up after you give, you can conclude that you have not been sincere. So you can question it and face excommunication, or give more. The Baha'i Fund folks have volumes of wondrous tales, of Baha'is who give more than they think they can, and then get job promotions or unexpected inheritances or the like. You gave and didn't get one? Then something is wrong....with you! The Baha'i community treasurer can easily cover her artistry by denying any coercion, which exists only in Baha'i treasurer communications that are For Baha'is Only. A believer hoping for a few more pennies from heaven will stow that Treasurer's letter in the trash, to obey the Treasurer and to stave off the guilt of admitting his gullibility to his spouse.
Another feature of cult is the distancing of the believer from his roots and thus his self-confidence and selfhood. How does the Baha'i Faith do this? By failing to inform seekers of what lies past the "Fireside" get-togethers, instant friendships, and administrative estimates of just how short a leash the seeker will accept. After the signing of the "declaration" card, seasoned community members strive to contain the new declarant in a mist of euphoria, encouraging him to denounce (in forgiving terms, of course) his parents, his education, his country, anything that cannot be identified directly with the Baha'i Faith. The community proffers an artificial world, complete with parents (administrators), family (non-administrators), music, art, education, even celebrities!
Baha'i publishers are turning out more and more literature on what the Faith means, and they are getting as lost in the clouds of intellectual Rube Goldberg inventions, as the ordinary Baha'is are lost in trying to reconcile themselves to being members of something that shouldn't have been a cult, but is. They don't know how to get out, because they are surrounded with experts that will keep them in through fear or expel them for lack of it.
We do not for a moment believe that Baha'u'llah intended for His religion to become a cult. We do not believe for a moment that there is anything inherent to His Revelation that allows for the existence of a cult that would go by His Name. We do believe that in the historically few short years since His passing, the nature of man and nothing but that nature has seen in the Baha'i Faith an ideal ground for growing a cult. We are willing to believe that many Baha'i administrators did not see it that way with the onset of their careers in the Faith, but the patterns and behaviors and separations and malignant growths appeared chiefly as a result of man's own rebellious nature and evil heart.
A preponderance of intellect over emotion, of administration over spirit, has created a monster from the pieces of Baha'u'llah's teachings. We do not think it was supposed to be that way, but we know that the Writings state it will not stay that way. There may be an Auxiliary Board Member somewhere who dreams of the apocalypse, sees it propelling him to his destined throne, finally the ruler he knew himself to be. This is the final tragedy of a cult: the wasting of a man.
HOW TO ATTEND A BAHA'I MEETING
It is an article that will appeal to any Baha'i who has held a meeting and been disappointed with those turning out. We looked for it and couldn't find the WikiHow article - what do you expect with a cat doing the research? but Mr.Wesley of the blog "Baha'i Views" has given us a WikiHow article overview, including his favorite items , and we shall use that as our starting point. If you thing you are going to offend someone, why go see him at all?
The title that engaged us was "How to Attend a Baha'i Meeting." Lordy! We can only assume that throngs who still put the feet up on the coffee table are coming through the Stargate. We think it more likely that someone held a Baha'i meeting and somebody showed up who didn't follow the host's personal rulebook. This enough is grounds for a Baha'i to write volumes of WikiHow!
Mr.Wesley quotes, "by following these steps, you will be relaxed about learning something new and need not worry about offending anyone at the meeting."
We were beside ourselves to discover these steps, as we have always been offended by people who not were eager to learn new things and worried exceedingly about offending others. These, after all, are the hallmarks of the living. We think WikiHow-girl should get to know her guests better so she will not be so afraid of them jumping up and down and calling your Aunt Minnie a loser. We see in her words the cult member's fear of word getting around that she lost control of her "meeting;" the cult member's paranoia that people raised in a similar culture as she will in "Mission Impossible" style suddenly rip a rubber mask from their faces and become hairdressers.
Why isn't Baha'i Administration teaching its people what the religion itself says about these things? Why is it leaving the common man and woman adrift to imitate the administrators instead of learning it straight from the Word? The real Baha'i Faith, its sacred texts, does away with fear - as does any good sacred text. The real Baha'i Faith teaches that the teacher - in this case WikiHow-girl - must be confident. The real Baha'i Faith encourages its followers to use the Word of God as their proof. We could discern no Word of God in this brief section of WikiHow, but it may be there somewhere.
So the two points we get from this first WikiHow section are straight from Cult School: Leave your brain at home, and don't ask questions.
The step Mr.Wesley liked best was this:
Wear modest clothing....there are no rules for what kinds of clothes men or women should or should not wear. Baha'is believe in modesty in all things, including dress.
1. What is "modest clothing?" What if my idea of "modest clothing" differs from yours? May I borrow a definition I heard on "Focus on the Family" that says men and women should dress in such a way that the woman's attire does not arouse the man, and the man's attire honors the woman's chastity. In our opinion 'Abdu'l-Baha Himself did not say it any more clearly."Focus on the Family" is a Christian media and counselling organization.
2. There are no rules for what kinds of clothes men or women should or should not wear. (What did you just say, Mr. Wesley?) We can recall one about not letting ones self become a plaything for the ignorant, and there are rules in every society about what constitutes male and what constitutes female attire. The members of that society will dress accordingly if they wish their sexual role to be recognized and protected. We can recall no passage in the Baha'i Writings that state otherwise. There are rules for what kinds of clothing men and women should or should not wear. Baha'is should refrain from attributing statements and teachings to the Word which are their own opinions and not a part of the Authoritative Word.
3. Baha'is believe in modesty in all things, including dress. The term "Baha'is believe" is in no way a substitute for the words "The Baha'i Faith teaches" or "the Writings say...." Baha'is believe all sorts of things. Their belief does not make it a tenant of faith.
Baha'is believe in modesty? Please do not ask MrDonut to reference the skin-tight and skin-revealing clothing Baha'i parents buy and allow for their female children. Baha'i girls and women (not all, but far too many) in the West dress with a breathtaking degree of immodesty in clothes that are designed and worn to bring any male seeing it to a state of arousal. Those who scoff should bring their youth together and ask, what does a girl dressed like this do to you?" Oh, forget it. They probably won't admit it anyway. They aren't allowed to admit much. If the ladies at the Baha'i meeting are dressed like streetwalkers, that could be the reason the gents can't relaxl
Finally: the WikiHow trumpet call, although what it has to do with attending a Baha'i meeting we fail at present to see:
Tips: Baha'is are not liberal or conservative, democrat or republican. They are Baha'is.
Nonsense! Looking at their behavior, which is the real determinant, Baha'is in the U.S. at least are thoroughly liberal. They are tethered lightly to a few teachings that their parents may follow, and cast their nets (these days) to the causes of Global Warming, Bush is Bad, College Guys are It, Mechanics, well, leave them alone, they never watch Public Television. What are they being taught, that "liberal" means "Good Baha'i?"
Baha'is should be conservative. The Word of God is conservative. The aims and teachings of the Central Figures were for freedom of conscience, not licence for liberality against government or household. You cannot read Shoghi Effendi aloud for three minutes without realizing he was the world's biggest conservative. He openly stated that he hated liberalism! It is reported that, after a meeting with pilgrims, he once turned to his wife and said: Why don't they read my books?"
Baha'is are not democrat or republican. In lowercase, they are. In uppercase, a Baha'i is forbidden by Baha'i law in the U.S. anyway to register with a political party or to participate in party politics. Some Baha'is take this to mean they do not have to read history. They are wrong. Shoghi Effendi writes a lot more on this because in their views, people who lean towards the liberal will invariably find it very, very difficult to control themselves around the water cooler during an election year. Same for republican-minded souls, but being conservative they probably have a little more self-control.
They are Baha'is. Is MrDonut supposed to be impressed? Perhaps nothing has given a greater disservice to the Baha'i Faith's public image is the mantra, "We are Baha'is." The Master said that to be a Baha'i meant to love and serve mankind. Haifan Bahas'is say that is not so; you need a membership card. Isn't it a little early for membership cards? Who do membership cards serve? those Baha'is who hold (and hold tooth and claw) administrative posts. These Baha'is have become not the standard-bearers but the standards of Baha'i membership! The heart has been buried beneath the titles.
Some say the only true Baha'i was 'Abdu'l-Baha, and he would accept no other title than 'Abdu'l-Baha - "Servant of Baha." Anybody out there willing to share that title?
Saturday, January 5, 2008
HOLD THAT CRAZY WEBSITE!
Kissy-Mushie Websites Key to Future?
As if we needed any more proof that the present Baha'i administration operates a cult, their new search engine has been unveiled. It will lead the seeker only to approved web sites. It is named "Majnun" after the loco boyfriend of Layla, in Persian myth. It refuses to name itself after anything American. This is one more telling factor in Baha'i activity that spells "cult." The elite Baha'is of America demand that the little people slough off all vestiges of language, culture, civil rights and freedoms, and even the right to explore non-approved websites. Abstractly, of course, that right is theirs, but to mention having visited a non-approved site is to invite shunning. Who is approving these "approved" sites? By what right do they seek to limit freedom to explore the Internet? Is it censorship? Looks like it from here.
Some will say, they can use the Majnun site if they want to or not, it's not censorship. Again I will remind the reader that the Baha'i Faith in American today is a cult, even if its s most prominent leaders wear suits and went to college and came from Moslem countries. Any Baha'i wishing to exercise his Baha'i rights must weigh that righteous act against the cost he will incur if and when it comes up against a Baha'i administrator's ambition or guilt. (Baha'is at the bottom of the ladder are taught that ambition and wrongdoing are wrong, and they usually are free of them.) It should come as no surprise that a Baha'i administrator is a seed bed of paranoia. It is our experience that he or she will crush ruthlessly any attempt of an ordinary Baha'i to actually exercise his rights. Such exercise leads the community to witness that their emperors have no clothes; rather than living to uphold the righteousness of the Writings, Baha'i administrators plot and scheme to confuse the person and send them into excommunication. We watched it for 30 years.
Kissy-mushie Baha'i websites that lull the reader into believing he has reached Nirvana are living proof that the Baha'i Faith they would wish us to see does not exist. Heaven is where the pink clouds and waterfalls are; here on earth is, in the words of The Master, a "dung heap." Why do the Baha'is strive to make us believe that heaven is already here when their own Writings say it never will be? Why are they afraid of what the Baha'is will see? Why are they afraid of letting the Baha'is learn the modern history of their own faith? Why are they trying so hard to make everything safe?
Baha'i executives have learned that the children of the 'sixties and their children want to live in a world of idle fancies and vain imaginings. It is not easy to train your own mind to rational thought after having grown up on "My Favorite Maritain," "Howdy Doody," and Elmo, but if we don't we are sitting ducks for those ambitious souls whose chief delight and aim in life is to control our minds. Some may act from personal ambition, some may sincerely believe they are the appointed shepherds for the unfortunates (you and me). Either way, they are terrified of questions; questions are the solvent which loosens their grip on our minds. Questions keep our minds alive and strong, the way God made them to be.
Baha'is, ask questions! Never stop asking questions!
Thursday, January 3, 2008
GOD CHANGED HIS MIND (Bada)
"Bada" is a Farsi term that means 'God changed His mind.' It is used to excuse the meddling of men in divine affairs.
PROMINENT BAHA'I SEES "DANGERS" IN 1st AMENDMENT
Over on "Baha'i Views" we have learned that the Baha'i Faith faces some very grave dangers. What are these dangers? We don't know! We only know they are, and praise God! at least we know what brings those dangers about. We must wonder how and why a Faith destined to last half-a-million years grew so flaccid that it cannot function in the United States of America without fascist control of its membership.
Someone has sent Baha'i heavyweight Mr.Momen to the "Views" blog so that Baha'i who worship according to their God-given freedoms and not Mr.Momen's can shoulder the blame they deserve. When after the Guardian's death the Persian Baha'i wrested control of the Faith away from American Baha'i, they confused independence with disobedience. The Baha'i Faith has grown increasingly more Islamic with the years. "After all, it was founded from Islam - why shouldn't it stay that way? We can't throw away Mohammad!" Did you say "Mohammad?" Did I? No, it is just the Baha'i School of Argument and Persuasion. It has fangs.
Mr.Momen is very popular in the Baha'i Faith today. We don't know much about him but he uses a lot of big words and rips into the opposition with arguments that would make a Nazi's boot heels dance. The dangers Mr.Momen fears from American Baha'i are simply the exposure of Persian manipulation of the Guardian's Writings. These Writings would have sent Mr.Momen back to where he came from, until he could recite the Ten Amendments - or the Ten Commandments, (he seems to be annoyed by both) by heart.
It is America! America is engaged in a bitter struggle with the mighty and so-called institutions of the Baha'i Faith. The fight is about the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States. That is the one that appears to guarantee us the right to worship as we choose, and to speak our minds as we will. Baha'i "Unity" is painted as a desirable condition, and we admit that it is if you like mind control.
"Baha'i Views" carefully chooses its battles, and most of them are too vapid to mention. Theirs is the pure and refined party line, and unity means you agree with me, not the other way around. Your Baha'i Fantasy News Service is no small player in the game, and the "Views" audience and their handlers thirst for new ways to demonize us, but they forever dance around the name they hate the most, and want the most to accuse us of being: Americans. We welcome their saying it: Americans. We're comfortable with the name and the place. If Baha'i don't like it here, let them go back to Iran. Or are they expecting their magic name to put the government of the United States into their laps?
We are flattered to have been accused of "hurting" the Baha'i Faith by exercise of our civil and God-given rights, and we hope and pray that every day we may "hurt" it more. We look forward to the day when the "Views" poodles and Mr.Momen realize they have been had, and like us exclaim: "How could I have been so stupid!"
Note: We have chosen to express the plural of "Baha'i" as "Baha'i." We feel it conveys a deeper understanding of the difference between the religion, its organization, and its followers. It's just an experiment.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
TREASURED SYMBOL SAVED FROM THE GRAVY PITCHER
This is a ceramic chicken. It was adopted by the Universal House of Pancakes as the official "Waker-Upper" of the troops for the current Seven-Year Plan. Perhaps because the men of the Universal House of Pancakes are in their majority city boys, they missed the fact that roosters, not chickens, are heralds of the dawn.
A quick fix is being slapped together in Haifa to keep the image of "Chickie" a potent one by transferring her qualities to the pancake line.
As soon as the news was out rumors ran rife that each House of Pancakes would be serving gravy. "Chickie will not be killed," a spokesman assured the believers. "She is still the symbol of the Baha'i standing tough against the ravenous wolves that stand to devour the slumbering flock." The mention of three animals in one sentence caused near-riots at Baha'i centers in larger cities where the vegan population is strong.
The Continental Board of Caballeros, along with the Auxiliary Grandes and their Petites, met with the newly-appointed Auxiliary Pecans to ready their arm of the Faith for action if necessary. "And it will be necessary," a source was quoted as saying. "Tell these Baha'is anything and they run around like chickens with their heads cut off. Of course some of the more dangerous personalities might object to being cooped up a while, but the Institution of the Learned is just that. I mean, we learned. We learned from the past. People need a shepherd. Once the pecking order is upset, the wolves come through the door. Ya Baha 'u'l 'Abha!"
BAHA'U'LLAH: THE CELESTIAL ROOSTER
This work of calligraphy is titled "The Celestial Rooster." It was made by Mishkin Qalam, a disciple and contemporary of Baha'u'llah. We do not know a word of the beautiful lettering on the picture, but have been told that the image represents Baha'u'llah shouting out His Message to the world like a rooster crowing to announce the dawn. Like icons in a church, Qalam's calligraphic masterpieces both taught and united the believers.The original is about as tall as your grandmother.
Image scanned by Duane Troxel, thanks!
BAHA'I WORLD ASSIGNED NEW LEVEL OF ADMINISTRATION
TO THE CONTINENTAL BOARD OF CABALLEROS AND THEIR AUXILIARY PETITES
(Left: "Chicken of Baha'")
The Universal House of Pancakes is experiencing an unprecedented rise in orders. Arrangements to advance the National Spiritual Assemblies to the station of "National House of Pancakes" occupy every desk. Local Spiritual Assemblies are clamoring to learn their role in the "Conquest by Breakfast" Seven-Year Plan. Extra demands from Iran insisting that Baha'is there continue to suffer for pancakes places a crippling burden on the Supreme Breakfastor. Iranian Baha'is who years ago obeyed the S.B.'s message to stay in Iran despite terrible persecutions have been promised extra pancakes. The S.B. has already delivered the syrup. The Universal House of Pancakes has withdrawn plans for a Regional House of Pancakes to the Los Angeles area since a few Iranian Baha'is there tried to persuade their beleaguered relatives to leave the homeland, thereby depriving the House of a steady flow of martyrs.
The only high-level Baha'i administrative body not caught up in "Pancake Fever" are the Continental Boards of Caballeros and their Auxiliary Grandes and Petites. These institutions, already a vestige of administration, are considered essential for the public image of the Faith. They show up, are well-dressed, and they employ the Obama Method of Thoughtful Upward Gaze With Grimace. Are they supplicating the Almighty, or, like grinning infants, do they just have gas? They are a sure draw for pancake lovers of an arse-licking proclivity. Since they were not an original part of the Authoritative Writings, they have more power than the Pope. This is how man is. This is why he needs breakfast.
The times call for a vast, unprecedented expansion of the intelligence network in the Faith. Since many Baha'is are engaged in the service of pancakes, oversight of their reading becomes more difficult. The Auxiliary Grandes are swamped with reports from their many Auxiliary Petites, and the Auxiliary Petites have no one to turn to but their parents. Therefore, a new level of Auxiliary service has been created, Auxilary Pecans. It is hoped that this new investigative class of believers will take some of the load off the Petites and clear new ground for the expulsion of Baha'is who look at them cross-eyed.
"Welcome!" cheered the men of the Universal House of Pancakes. "Welcome, Pecans!"
The matter of uniforms for the Pecans is under discussion. Many in Baha'i Administration believe that uniforms are a natural part of a Baha'is True Self and an easy way to get the public ready for the New World Order. Seances are held in the Holy Shrines and Ruhiyyih Khanum is invoked, in the hope that she will proffer intelligent designs, but reports have it she is busy shovelling coal.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
BAHA'I WORLD WELCOMES ELEVATION OF NATIONAL SPIRITUAL ASSSEMBLY OF THE BAHA'IS OF THE UNITED STATES
NATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES UNVEILED BY UHP
MEMBERS DELIGHTED
The Universal House of Pancakes today announced that the National Spiritual Assembly of the Baha'is of the United States has by hook and crook attained the station of "National House of Pancakes."
"There was simply nothing spiritual left to the place," said a spokesman. "They did a lot of assembling, though, and we feel we can use this to our advantage. They have proven that they can all get up and go to work in the morning, and that is what we want. The "Baha'i" part wasn't necessary, since the NSA operated well off the radar of the Kitab-i-Aqdas. Finally, we looked at the "United States" and found there wasn't a whole lot of interest in that, either. They'll do a whole lot better in the restaurant field. We hope."
Some years ago the NSA hopped a jet to Haifa and unloaded their fears and uncertainties upon the Nine. They were re-writing their history and covering up wrongdoings of the Baha'i officers and - gosh - getting not a thimbleful's worth of declarations! The Nine had no idea on God's green earth what to do with them. They told the NSA members that they were just fine. Everybody could go back home. God, the House had work to do! The Americans got a tour of the gardens and went home. How's that for advice from the Supreme Institution of the Baha'i Faith? Maybe they were just saving their wisdom for the day when the world would kneel at their feet. Who can afford a wisdom deficit?
Eventually of course the Nine sat down and talked with their wives, where the real power of Mt.Carmel lies. The ladies laid down the law. They had it up to here with all the Nothing being done by the Universal House of Justice. The women presented the men with a pancake breakfast. "People do not want peace!" the women said. "People want breakfast! Think about it!" The ladies left the room so the gents could give in believing it was their idea all along.
Ideas flew like nightingales at a gunshot. The dome! The dome's blushing gold could advertise the warm smooth surface of a well-browned pancake. The terraces would allow definition to a level of services. Fountains could be doctored to allow insertion of a gas line to fuel the griddles. Syrup can go in the urns. Nine men - nineteen terraces . In good Baha'i spirit they could rotate operation of he extra terrace. Baha'i youth can be recruited from all over the world to spend a year learning the restaurant trade at the midmost heart of the world. At the end of that year they would be qualified to operate a pancake house at home or anywhere. Peace would finally bloom! The world would be drenched in the doughy-sweetness of pancakes. Nuclear bombs would be turned into guest tables. All men would unite around them, and lift their cups of cocoa in an eternal toast to Baha'u'llah.
Thus it was that having acquired this wisdom, the Universal House of Pancakes bestowed the honor of First National House of Pancakes upon the grateful servants of Baha' in Wilmette. Other National Spiritual Assemblies are expected to receive similar honors, and the Universal House of Pancakes hopes members will be patient until they can get around to serving everyone.
