BAHA'I WORLD ASSIGNED NEW LEVEL OF ADMINISTRATION

TO THE CONTINENTAL BOARD OF CABALLEROS AND THEIR AUXILIARY PETITES

(Left: "Chicken of Baha'")

The Universal House of Pancakes is experiencing an unprecedented rise in orders. Arrangements to advance the National Spiritual Assemblies to the station of "National House of Pancakes" occupy every desk. Local Spiritual Assemblies are clamoring to learn their role in the "Conquest by Breakfast" Seven-Year Plan. Extra demands from Iran insisting that Baha'is there continue to suffer for pancakes places a crippling burden on the Supreme Breakfastor. Iranian Baha'is who years ago obeyed the S.B.'s message to stay in Iran despite terrible persecutions have been promised extra pancakes. The S.B. has already delivered the syrup. The Universal House of Pancakes has withdrawn plans for a Regional House of Pancakes to the Los Angeles area since a few Iranian Baha'is there tried to persuade their beleaguered relatives to leave the homeland, thereby depriving the House of a steady flow of martyrs.

The only high-level Baha'i administrative body not caught up in "Pancake Fever" are the Continental Boards of Caballeros and their Auxiliary Grandes and Petites. These institutions, already a vestige of administration, are considered essential for the public image of the Faith. They show up, are well-dressed, and they employ the Obama Method of Thoughtful Upward Gaze With Grimace. Are they supplicating the Almighty, or, like grinning infants, do they just have gas? They are a sure draw for pancake lovers of an arse-licking proclivity. Since they were not an original part of the Authoritative Writings, they have more power than the Pope. This is how man is. This is why he needs breakfast.

The times call for a vast, unprecedented expansion of the intelligence network in the Faith. Since many Baha'is are engaged in the service of pancakes, oversight of their reading becomes more difficult. The Auxiliary Grandes are swamped with reports from their many Auxiliary Petites, and the Auxiliary Petites have no one to turn to but their parents. Therefore, a new level of Auxiliary service has been created, Auxilary Pecans. It is hoped that this new investigative class of believers will take some of the load off the Petites and clear new ground for the expulsion of Baha'is who look at them cross-eyed.

"Welcome!" cheered the men of the Universal House of Pancakes. "Welcome, Pecans!"

The matter of uniforms for the Pecans is under discussion. Many in Baha'i Administration believe that uniforms are a natural part of a Baha'is True Self and an easy way to get the public ready for the New World Order. Seances are held in the Holy Shrines and Ruhiyyih Khanum is invoked, in the hope that she will proffer intelligent designs, but reports have it she is busy shovelling coal.