CHICKEN SYSTEM ASSIGNED FOR PROTECTION

INSTITUTION OF THE LEARNED ABANDONED,
PROTECTOR-KAHUNA SYSTEM CREATED
Right: The Bab'u'l Chicken, symbol of the new Protector-Kahuna System. Designed by Baha'i Sculptor Misty Verona Van Ovum.

In a surprise move today, the Universal House of Justice abandoned the Institution of the Learned. A nine-year study by the Baha'i World Centre showed that only two per-cent of Baha'is understood "Learned" to refer to having knowledge of Baha'i Writings and administrative texts. Sixty-two percent believed the attending term "Learned in Baha" meant any Baha'i who held a Ph.D or made over $245,000 U.S. last year. "That takes learnin', son!" quipped an old-timer. The remaining thirty-six per-cent of Baha'is were too afraid of giving the wrong answer to open their mouths. Considering this level of understanding in the ranks of the believers, the Universal House of Justice announced Learned is Really Out, and all Counsellors, Auxiliary Board Members and their Assistants will step down, and a "Protector-Kahuna" system laid out in their stead.

After weeks of considering the success of Christianity and examining the origins of their own beliefs, the House of Justice determined that a "Father-Firstborn Son" duo must be resurrected and sustained. Although the team will not be as sacred as the historical "Baha'u'llah-'Abdu'l-Baha" jointures, Baha'is holding advanced degrees in the psychological sciences advise the House that a "Father-Firstborn Son" theocracy is not only imperative but inevitable. "Everybody got a faddah," explained one spokesperson. The new dynastic system will commence with a Baha'i father-Baha'i firstborn son team for each country in the world. Unlike the academically top-heavy administrators of the past, the B-teams, as they will be called, lacking all learning, discipline, and accountability, will have the God-given spiritual freedom to do what they want, when they want to do it. For example, if Kahuna-Protector Team Abe "The Giant Killer" Keller and firstborn son Francis detect any believer lying, stealing, gossiping, or backbiting, they are empowered to create a shield of respectability around that believer, the purpose being to protect the public image of the Faith. Punishments will be meted out only to believers who raise objection to the Shite-shield, as it will be called, and they will be promptly be positioned on the wrong side of it. It has been determined that forgiveness only wastes precious time that the Faith needs to convince mankind that This is the Way to Go! This may change, as Baha'is labeled Undesirable report that the other side of the Shite-screen is cleaner anyway, and they prefer to stay there.

If the system flys, it is estimated to result in a world total of 3,582 infallible individuals at the Protector-Kahuna level alone. This is a huge reduction from the 2,600,551 infallible individuals extant during the Counsellor-Auxiliary Board-Assistants era, but administrators are hoping that a new program, tentatively titled "Girls' Night Out," will result in no fewer than a billion infallible Baha'i women. That will leave on earth approximately fifteen Baha'is who will be governed by the over two billion Baha'i administrators. Planners see a small, dark cloud coming at all this but are confident that their own infallibility will see mankind through to a brighter day and, if all goes well, the long-predicted golden age of infinite infallibility. When asked by this reporter to define "infinite infallibility," the Planners excommunicated him.

PROTECTION OF THE CAUSE OF GOD - TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!