WE WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.

FANTASY ITEM: The Manifestation of God for this Day agreed with His predecessor that an entire month should be named "Questions." His followers in the U.S., that cradle of liberty, where the free assemble, are taking a different view. They are strengthening all deepening materials to list the months of the Baha'i year in Farsi. Since approximately one American in a zillion knows Farsi, and that one is not a Baha'i, this new plan ensures that most Baha'is as usual will not know what they are saying. "They are happier this way," said a high-ranking Baha'i official.

FANTASY ITEM: A sad story came out of the 'Abha Kingdom today. The Master is sad that the Baha'is of the United States are turning into sheep. The Master came to America when he was old and bent to spread the Message. The Message is lost: The Master did not speak any English beyond a few words such as "hippopotamus." The Master had a great sense of humor. But a hippopotamus is exactly what the Baha'i community became. Later Shoghi Effendi was to write (in English, but nobody reads him anyway) that racism was a terrible problem in the U.S., and the Baha'is must work on reducing it. Now the people who heard 'Abdul-Baha say "hippopotamus" but didn't see Him laughing, thought He was making a reference to African-Americans. How the worm has turned! "I shared the dream," said MrDonut. "I was with The Master. Together we watched as helpless sheep were dragged under water and devoured by hippos. It was terrible. Then a nine-pointed pancake appeared, and a great dark bird came and snatched the pancake up. As soon as it did, more sheep appeared, and these sheep ate the hippopotamus! It was terrible!"

FANTASY ITEM: Close to the above item on Questions, BFNS has learned that in addition to not swearing, Baha'is are now cautioned against the phrase "What If." MrDonut has consulted his Farsi dictionary and can assure everyone that any Iranian can match any American when it comes to objectionable language. He said, "What's the fuss?" On its part, Baha'i Administration says that the Baha'is are thinking, and that they have not been enjoined in the Kitab-i-Aqdas to think but to obey. Therefore any attempt to try and slide around the "No Questions" issue with phrases like "What If?" will be dealt with severely. Two elderly Baha'is, Wilfred Ibex and Wilma Inurface, have been forced to change their names to abide more closely to the standard set by their rulers. One Iranian-American lost his rights when the secret Baha'i police heard him with his kids at Friendly's, saying "Bastani mahkoo?"

FANTASY ITEM: In a related story, the Baha'i Internal Community (not to be confused with the Baha'i International Community, which wouldn't let us in) is making their lists and checking them twice, to see which Baha'is are standing firm against Christmas. Jewish Baha'is are permitted to observe Hanukkah with their parents, as long as they keep it to themselves. Baha'is who converted from Christian families are expected to spend any money they were going to on presents, to give to the Fund. They are to make their contributions through their Local Baha'i Fund so the BInC will be able to get the results faster. Any gifts under $22,000 received by Baha'is are to be sold. The point is to remove any taint of Christianity or family association. Gifts over $22,000 are to be displayed prominently in the Baha'i Center parking lot.

Assistants ("Baha'i Secret Police") to the Auxiliary Board Members are expected to devote extra hours to surveillance and covert partygoing. They are reminded not to take notes while in the presence of their marks. Consequently, they will forget half of what was said and misquote the other.To keep a level playing field, the Auxiliary Board, in guarded language, reminded the believers to keep their lips zipped if they wanted to continue in Good Standing. The Auxiliary Board wishes to emphasize that "exceptions will not be made. Rape, murder, robbery, arson, gossip and backbiting, unless committed by a BInC member, will be ignored. Save your breath for the Daily Obligatory Prayer.We are infallible, and we will get you."